by Amy Brown
I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Some of my favourite games of make-believe as a young girl were role-playing with my dolly.
After an especially long journey to motherhood, one that involved many detours and bumps in the road, in January 2022 I finally became a mom. So, I rushed over to Instagram where I laboured (forgive the pun) over a new handle and re-wording my bio.
Amy: mom-wife-teacher
But rather than being this magical moment I’d longed for, for many years — the moment my life-long dream was realised — instead I felt perplexed.
Mother — mom — is a part of my identity, but it wasn’t all that I was, surely?
I took stock of how I’d described myself — every identifier was how I was serving others. But what part of my identity could stand alone, independent from others? I couldn’t allow my identity to be reliant on the existence of another: not for myself, or for my son. I wanted, needed, to have an identity beyond him; to be multi-faceted.
Dare I say, I think society celebrates this self-sacrificial idea that women are because of what they are to others. And I wanted my son to grow up witnessing his mother finding meaning beyond her responsibilities to him. And for him to wish that for his partner one day too.
I was stumped. That revelation had hit me in the feels. I didn’t know who I was beyond that.
As a mother — especially in the early days — the You that existed before the arrival of your child disappears. You are your Little One’s everything. And that can feel empowering, and terrifying and the whole spectrum between. You don’t have time to nurture You because you’re nurturing your Little.
For some that can feel burdensome and for others it can feel entirely fulfilling. But it became apparent to me that when you’ve walked through that season, it’s important to have other things that fulfil you, so your Identity isn’t shaken to its very core, leaving you adrift.
Admittedly, when you become a mother some of the things that you used to feel passionate about may suddenly seem entirely inconsequential. And time to discover that which ignites the flame of passion is limited. But dare I suggest that this is what self-care might look like: finding that which ignites the spark within you again.
Admittedly, I’m finding it a real challenge not to lose myself within the never-ending cycle of nappies, sleep routines, weaning recipes and stimulating play ideas. Because, let’s be honest, we Moms really do make it our job, don’t we? Most of what I watch and read is about how to better serve my Little One and his development.
But I’ve also made an effort to re-visit the things that interested me before becoming a mom and to spend the little time I have immersing myself in those things to find whether they still bring me joy. I’ve also discovered that there’re new things that spark my curiosity and that’s okay: I allow myself the space to explore them.
Am I doing this well? Not particularly. But am I modelling balance for my son? Well, I’m certainly trying.
Does my son have a mother who is multi-faceted? Also, no. Not now, at least. But he does have a mom who wants him to realise that he’s not responsible for her happiness, and that true fulfilment can only be found within one’s self.
